10 Etiquette Rules for Online Dating (for Men)

by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Etiquette is about emotional intelligence - thinking about the other person and presenting your best self. All etiquette rules center around taking everyone into consideration, and making the other person comfortable, i.e., it isn’t all about you!

At the core level, however, it is totally about you. Rules of etiquette evolved to keep us from killing one another. For instance, the handshake has nothing to do with warmth and touching, that’s what hugs and embraces are for. The handshake is extending your right hand, the hand that holds the weapon, toward the unknown individual, palm exposed, fingers spread, to show you don’t have one. This gesture could preserve your life, as can all rules of etiquette. Gentleman, if you want to stay alive hunting on the Internet, mind your manners.

You’re writing in order to attract a female, not to impress other guys with your prowess, or to stimulate yourself. Therefore you must write with what women like in mind.

It’s been said that men are after sex, and women are after love. Since, of course, both are after both, let’s reframe that. Men lead with sex, and women lead with love. You know what sex is. Now we’ll break down what love is. Because to catch a rabbit, you must make like a carrot.

A person capable of loving, of giving love, must have values, integrity, sensitivity to the other (not to oneself alone, and not to an ideal), emotions deeper than lust, the ability to express and share them, and the ability to make a commitment and remain faithful.

That having been said, we proceed:

1. Lick your wounds in private or in the company of many women.

You aren’t ready to date exclusively until you’re over the last one. If you’re just after a woman, any woman, don’t date one exclusively. This means, of course, that you don’t check “interested in marriage” on your profile.

If when you write your profile, it's full of self-pity, or things like “no addicts need apply,” or “I can’t stand a clingy woman,” you aren’t ready to date, you’re still living in the past. No one in their right mind wants an addict, and to admit that you’ve been duped by one doesn’t work in your favor. It is also not "being sensitive." Tell your therapist all about it. Then approach dating positively.

What you focus on, you attract!

2. To be a man is to know what you want, and to know how to get it.

Start with knowing whether you want to be on a dating site. There are plenty of adult and porn sites on the Internet. If that’s what you want, why would you be on a dating site?

3. Pole vaulting.

Emotional expression via words is no man’s forte, and the fact that this must be done in writing raises the bar yet another notch. A single coaching session can bring a strong ROI. You’ll get facts, clarity, and a well-written profile that will bring the results you want. Grammar and spelling are important because that’s the way women are!

We recommend women take a look at men’s magazines to see what words trigger response from men. I would recommend you look at women’s magazines to see what words make a woman receptive, but I can't see that happening, so just get a female coach.

4. She wants one man to meet all her needs.

While you are want all women to meet your one need? Won’t work here. A good coach will make your profile individualized to you. The woman wants to see what you’re like, how you’re different, and what you have to offer her. This requires work on your part, and this, too, is something women look for.

A woman wants to feel cherished, as if she's the only woman in the world for you. No mass emailings. Yes, she can tell. She has feminine intuition.

5. And you have gut instincts.

Gut instinct, and the ability to add one and one and come up with two. Gentlemen, if there were money in it, there would be a million porn sites for women, wouldn’t there? Avoid that language. Don’t choose a nickname like “Horny in Howardsville.” On eHarmony ( http://tinyurl.com/2lyea ), don’t send the “How do you feel about premarital sex?” question. Do not make references to your anatomy (or hers) and for heaven’s sake don’t send a photo of same.

6. Women fall in love with their ears.

If you want to love more parts of her body than that, you have to start with words. This means paying attention to her words. Therefore, you must read her profile, sir, and respond to it, not just cruise through the photos. You must also read her emails.

7. Speak to god in Spanish, to your horse in German, to your men in French, and to women in Italian. (Attributed to King Charles V)

It's music to their ears ... do you think it's because of all those vowels? Italian opera has lasted longer than most things on earth, so check it out. It involves the other great tool of seduction, music. Music is great for stress reduction, which dating is for both parties, and it soothes the savage beast. When Orpheus needed the nasty Charon to row him over to Hades, what did he do? He sang him to sleep a (and then rowed himself across). You want to sing her defenses to sleep, so start learning how. Club Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music ( http://www.susandunn.cc/vivoperlei.htm ) will educate you, one sweet step at a time. Named after "Vivo Per Lei," sung by Andrea Bocelli, whom women love. He sang the duet with female singing stars from 5 different countries. He also happens to be blind, and you can't believe how tired we get of being queried about our appearance.

Or is it because to the Italian male, every woman is "bella”. In fact, “you do not love her because she’s beautiful, she’s beautiful because you love her.”

8. Don’t tell a man what to do.

We’re not trying to, we’re trying to sort out if you mean what you say. Be clear about what you want in terms of relationship and believe her when she says what she wants. If you’re not interested in marriage, and she is, don’t pursue her. Foul play!

Make sure your actions are true to you, as actions speak louder than words, especially when a woman is sizing up a man for a potential date or partner.

9. 90% of people on the sites admit to lying.

Most often about age, however, weight, income, and marital status are also fair game, as well as anything else.

Empathy may not be your strong suit, but think about it – what if you spend $1,000 to fly across the country to meet her, and it turns out her photo was 10 years and 50 lbs. ago? Don’t lie. It will come back to haunt you in the end, anyway.

10. Rejoice that dating websites are starting to feature live chat, live video and free VolP Broadband Long Distance. Just be sure you’re dressed when you do it, tiger.

Susan Dunn, MA, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@... . Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women" and offers coaching, for your dating success. She is the founder of the #1 rated EQ Alive! EQ coach certification program. Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program, training worldwide. Join Club Vivo Per Lee/I Live for Music, http://www.susandunn.cc/vivoperlei.htm . The right kind of music has health benefits for men.